...I know. [How could he not? He should have died from something like that, same as Peko had. The fact that he didn't...well there's really only on explanation for that, no matter how you look at it. He's durable but nobody is THAT durable, and he's not nearly lucky enough for something like that to be the explanation either.]
[His voice is quiet before he falls silent completely, his grip on his arm tightening slightly.]
Didn't I already tell you? You don't have anything to apologize for so don't...don't blame yourself for that. [He should have made out a LOT worse for the shit he pulled. Losing Peko, his eye, and getting a coupe of scars wasn't nearly punishment enough, honestly.]
[No. No this isn't what she wants, even if it's the answer she expected. She squeezes her eyes shut and only bows her head further. It's basically a full bow at this point, and she'll go to her knees if necessary. Her hands ball into fists at her sides.]
It is my duty to keep you from harm, and I did not-- I could not fulfill it properly. Please. Accept my apology. If I had known that you would--
[Nope, that's getting too accusatory. She stops, inhales, squeezes her eyes shut even tighter to get a better rein on her voice.]
May I ask why?
[He can say no. She won't even push it if he says no, she can't ask.]
[It doesn't take a genius to figure out what she's referring to when she asks "why". The sentence before it was clearly supposed to end in "would have interfered" s it can really only be one thing. And it's the one thing he wanted to talk about even LESS then the severity of his injuries. And not just as far as Peko's concerned...he really didn't want to talk about why he interfered with ANYONE.]
I...I...
[It's like the end of the trial all over again, very clearly conflicted over how he should answer this. All he can manage are a few stammers and some quiet, choked noises that were probably meant to be words but utterly failed to come out as such. When he finally does manage to get his mouth properly around his words, his voice is even quieter, barely more than a whisper.]
...I didn't...want to lose you.
[This is the safest way he can think to word it without lying. Because that much is absolutely true. The very last thing he wanted to do was lose Peko. The part he's leaving out is where it didn't matter whether or not he survived the attempt. Best case scenario: he would have SOMEHOW managed to save her and then...and then he honestly wasn't sure what. He hadn't exactly been thinking the most clearly at the time. Worst case, but still completely acceptable scenario: he would have died alongside her.]
[Or well...it HAD been an acceptable scenario, once upon a time. Kuzuryuu can no longer think back on his choice without some amount of shame rising in his chest. Even if he did learn from his mistakes, it's nigh impossible not to be slightly disgusted with himself for being a coward.]
[She's still not looking at him. Her back is still bowed, her face still toward the ground, though she isn't really looking at that, either. Her breath is coming hard through her nose as her eyes only squeeze shut tighter, as if she could close her eyes tightly enough and not see the trial looming large in her memory.
Her fists ball at her sides, grip the sides of her skirt as her nails bite into her palms. This is stupid. She finally has her chance to talk to him about the trial, about the things he said during the trial, before her execution. She's trying to put words together, really, she is. As much as the simple I didn't want to lose you almost bowls her over, she still just--]
I don't... understand... [she manages finally, nails threatening to tear through her skirt from how tightly she's gripping the cloth.] There was nothing you could do... There wasn't anything anyone could do, and you were injured so gravely, and then you saw fit to hurt yourself further by apologizing to the others...
[She could be Nanami with how much she's pausing right now, but at least she finally got to the part about the apology that bothered her so much. And why she'd reacted so strongly. If he hadn't been injured, he's welcome to use that method of apology if he thinks it necessary. But not at the cost of his own health. Not for anyone in their class.]
...I had to try. [They're both going pretty good Nanami impressions today. She would be so proud of all this pausing, clearly.] And it...it didn't matter if there was no chance I'd pull it off.
[There it is. There's the truth. He hangs his head, closing his eye and grimacing a little.]
I was a fuckin' coward. A selfish coward. [...] In the end...all I did was make things a hell of a lot worse for you. [Sure, she was going to die no matter what but...she didn't have to die feeling guilty about hurting him. Or worry about protecting him.] This is why I told you, the day you got here, you have nothing to apologize for. All you did was protect me the only way you could. Because I wasn't strong enough and I acted exactly the way that bastard expected me to.
[Because let's not kid ourselves here. Nobody else on the island would have killed over that motive.]
As for the apology...I couldn't have lived with myself if I couldn't to that much at least. I know now that they weren't expecting anything like that but...I had to do it. Call my selfish again but I had to.
[Yes, that is clearly what is happening here. Nanami would be so proud. So proud.
Hope you're not expecting her to lift her head any time soon, because that's not happening. Not just because she's apologizing, but because she doesn't know if she can keep her composure while looking at him when he admits that. There's a knee-jerk no that threatens to escape her lips, sharp and panicked when he says it didn't matter. Of course it mattered. He was the only thing that did matter back then, and even still is the singular most important person in her life.
But above all, she just doesn't understand. She understands the apology, now -- really, she always did, she only took exception to the fact that he was injured and thus put his life in danger -- but not the underlying cause.
She doesn't know what she is to him. Lord knows they never answered the 'friends' question.]
Your actions on the island were justified, young master, [she opens with, because really, that's another thing she just doesn't understand. No matter how many times he apologizes for it, he doesn't have to.] It was my plan to act without your order to try to secure your passage off the island, so please do not think that any of that is your fault. I--
My life is not more important than yours. [She's saying it aloud, even though she knows it's probably going to make him yell, because she isn't sure if he understands just how much she means it.] Please, never risk your life for mine, young master. Not me, or anyone else. Please.
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[His voice is quiet before he falls silent completely, his grip on his arm tightening slightly.]
Didn't I already tell you? You don't have anything to apologize for so don't...don't blame yourself for that. [He should have made out a LOT worse for the shit he pulled. Losing Peko, his eye, and getting a coupe of scars wasn't nearly punishment enough, honestly.]
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[No. No this isn't what she wants, even if it's the answer she expected. She squeezes her eyes shut and only bows her head further. It's basically a full bow at this point, and she'll go to her knees if necessary. Her hands ball into fists at her sides.]
It is my duty to keep you from harm, and I did not-- I could not fulfill it properly. Please. Accept my apology. If I had known that you would--
[Nope, that's getting too accusatory. She stops, inhales, squeezes her eyes shut even tighter to get a better rein on her voice.]
May I ask why?
[He can say no. She won't even push it if he says no, she can't ask.]
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I...I...
[It's like the end of the trial all over again, very clearly conflicted over how he should answer this. All he can manage are a few stammers and some quiet, choked noises that were probably meant to be words but utterly failed to come out as such. When he finally does manage to get his mouth properly around his words, his voice is even quieter, barely more than a whisper.]
...I didn't...want to lose you.
[This is the safest way he can think to word it without lying. Because that much is absolutely true. The very last thing he wanted to do was lose Peko. The part he's leaving out is where it didn't matter whether or not he survived the attempt. Best case scenario: he would have SOMEHOW managed to save her and then...and then he honestly wasn't sure what. He hadn't exactly been thinking the most clearly at the time. Worst case, but still completely acceptable scenario: he would have died alongside her.]
[Or well...it HAD been an acceptable scenario, once upon a time. Kuzuryuu can no longer think back on his choice without some amount of shame rising in his chest. Even if he did learn from his mistakes, it's nigh impossible not to be slightly disgusted with himself for being a coward.]
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Her fists ball at her sides, grip the sides of her skirt as her nails bite into her palms. This is stupid. She finally has her chance to talk to him about the trial, about the things he said during the trial, before her execution. She's trying to put words together, really, she is. As much as the simple I didn't want to lose you almost bowls her over, she still just--]
I don't... understand... [she manages finally, nails threatening to tear through her skirt from how tightly she's gripping the cloth.] There was nothing you could do... There wasn't anything anyone could do, and you were injured so gravely, and then you saw fit to hurt yourself further by apologizing to the others...
[She could be Nanami with how much she's pausing right now, but at least she finally got to the part about the apology that bothered her so much. And why she'd reacted so strongly. If he hadn't been injured, he's welcome to use that method of apology if he thinks it necessary. But not at the cost of his own health. Not for anyone in their class.]
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[There it is. There's the truth. He hangs his head, closing his eye and grimacing a little.]
I was a fuckin' coward. A selfish coward. [...] In the end...all I did was make things a hell of a lot worse for you. [Sure, she was going to die no matter what but...she didn't have to die feeling guilty about hurting him. Or worry about protecting him.] This is why I told you, the day you got here, you have nothing to apologize for. All you did was protect me the only way you could. Because I wasn't strong enough and I acted exactly the way that bastard expected me to.
[Because let's not kid ourselves here. Nobody else on the island would have killed over that motive.]
As for the apology...I couldn't have lived with myself if I couldn't to that much at least. I know now that they weren't expecting anything like that but...I had to do it. Call my selfish again but I had to.
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Hope you're not expecting her to lift her head any time soon, because that's not happening. Not just because she's apologizing, but because she doesn't know if she can keep her composure while looking at him when he admits that. There's a knee-jerk no that threatens to escape her lips, sharp and panicked when he says it didn't matter. Of course it mattered. He was the only thing that did matter back then, and even still is the singular most important person in her life.
But above all, she just doesn't understand. She understands the apology, now -- really, she always did, she only took exception to the fact that he was injured and thus put his life in danger -- but not the underlying cause.
She doesn't know what she is to him. Lord knows they never answered the 'friends' question.]
Your actions on the island were justified, young master, [she opens with, because really, that's another thing she just doesn't understand. No matter how many times he apologizes for it, he doesn't have to.] It was my plan to act without your order to try to secure your passage off the island, so please do not think that any of that is your fault. I--
My life is not more important than yours. [She's saying it aloud, even though she knows it's probably going to make him yell, because she isn't sure if he understands just how much she means it.] Please, never risk your life for mine, young master. Not me, or anyone else. Please.